If you only knew...

I’m sure most of you haven’t noticed the gap between my posts. Maybe you have or maybe I am just now bringing it to your attention. I wish I could offer some logical reason but I have none. Once we received LOA for Lila life seemed to fast forward for the next two months and then she was here and life has been an absolutely insane roller coaster since. I do plan to share more details about our trip to China in the next few weeks but the emotions of that trip have been very fresh and raw up until the last few weeks. I couldn’t bring myself to do it.

Over the last year Jon and I have heard phrases such as, “You are such wonderful people.” Or “What a blessed little girl.” It’s pretty hard to hear those things because we do not feel worthy of any of those words. They are painful reminders of how we are struggling. Please allow me to try and explain.

We met Lila on September 20th in a hot, empty Civil affairs office. She was a very sad, very scared little girl who had been taken from the only people she had ever known. She was so very loved and cared for in her foster family and she wanted absolutely nothing to do with us.  Nothing. She ptretty much hated us. The trip was so physically, emotionally and mentally exhausting that I lost 5 pounds. It was so very hard in China but once we returned life began to sort itself out. We still endured lots of fits but poor girl had seen so much change in such a short period.  After a few weeks the fog lifted and I truly believe this is where Satan entered.

You see, Jon and I are most definitely not perfect people or parents. We will never claim to be. We are simply people who have been blessed with a quiver full of arrows. We are trying to love them hard and show that life is more than ourselves. We want them to be different. We want to be the hands and feet of Jesus. Once we settled into life at home I could feel Satan start to work himself into my thoughts and actions. The transition of Lila into our family has been of the hardest things we have ever done.  Not because of her but because of us. Because we allowed Satan to whisper words of doubt into our hearts and minds.  I wanted to try and portray that we were doing so well and that our Facebook profile picture was a great indication that we are so happy all the time. It’s not. It’s not possible.  I realize more and more that a picture is just a prettied up glimpse into people’s lives. It’s not reality. Satan used self comparison to make me feel worse. Lila is teaching to see the beauty that comes from the hard and broken.

Thankfully my God is so big, so strong and so mighty. :) He always see the good and forgives our shortcomings. I’m so grateful for what that little girl is teaching us. I sent Jon a text recently that said “She is showing us God’s love.”  It’s amazing to me that we can be so impatient or frustrated with such small, insignificant things and she can look us in the face and smile. It’s pretty wonderful and I’m so lucky she is mine.